Complicated subject really.
And one that I’m not looking for a lot of answers from. I’m not especially interested in other people’s definitions, and if I want to know people’s experiences, then I’ll probably ask, or look them up myself. I’m not looking for community, or support - I’m just writing this down because I want to get it out of my head.
It seems that I’ve fallen into being poly. Now, of course, the first question there is do I mean polygamy (the standard “boo! hiss!) or polyamory (marginally less “boo hiss”)?
Examining the terms, well polygamy is being in relationships with multiple people, and polyamory is being in love with multiple people. I may be my* gift to women, but I’m not sleeping around just yet.
So, leaving polygamy aside (and it’s something that may come later), I’ve found myself becoming polyamorous. Actually, that’s wrong. I’ve recently come to realise and accept that I am polyamorous.
There are some wonderful people in my life and I’m lucky as all hell to have them in my life. And I can say, without too much hesitation that I love some of them as more than just friends. It’s kinda weird, admitting it to one’s self.
I started realising it when I was still with Ruth really. It’s come to the fore of late.
But that’s beside the point.
As it happens, my acceptance of being polyamorous comes at pretty much the same time I start an internet relationship with someone that formed out of roleplay. And we’ve started discussing meeting up and actually playing together instead of just talking about it.
The problem being that while I’m single, she isn’t. Her other half is in a relationship with someone else as well, and he’s willing to talk about it. So I just have to meet up with him and get to know him a bit better.
I get this, I really do. I fully understand why; it just makes me nervous as all hell. It’s kinda like meeting someone’s father for the first time and asking for permission to marry their daughter. Heart-racing, worrying amounts of trepidation going on in my head. It’s not like I haven’t met him before, but we don’t know each other, and that’s kinda the problem. With a 400-mile gap between us, we don’t exactly see each other much.
So, life moves on, in ever more complicated ways. Here’s hoping this works out somehow.
*I’m conceited enough to replace God with myself. I mean, it’s not like he’s smitten me down yet, nor like I believe in him. After all, I’m just more awesome.
